TONGUE PETALS 
December 2001
EVER FLIMSY...
As the final days of 2001 flitted by, Jason B. was still whining like a goddamned five year old about his birthday, blaming Shunt, KJ and even Lando Calrissian for his disgrace. Raven 'Do I smell bad or something?' Floyd, Ben Williams and the once mighty Dr. LaVey also wept for Jason's misfortunes. If only the world were not such a cruel place. First this curse - this curse of consciousness and now!! Oh, now... to have his birthday entered incorrectly in the Shunt birthday database. Proud men have ended their lives for indignities smaller than this.
On a lighter note, Micah prayed for the death of Scott Weiland and the viral infection of Engelbert Humpedink whilst Kristina and Laura Ahonen spoke of how short moments of musical perfection often overshadow perfectly fine pieces of music. Also this month, Tongue Petals correspondent Sebastian K. inadvertently shit-canned fifteen or so years of vegetarianism by ingesting some manner of cheese spread which included bacon. It was delicious.
Then Zina reminded us why Greece is no longer the cradle of civilization as she mistakenly equated penis size with the amount of urine deposited through said vessel. Raven 'Smarty-Pants' Floyd waxed philosophical on the texture and taste of Chuck Palahunik's nuts, with Yann 'Da Man' Le Locat and Hardy 'The G is for Gangsta' G. chiming in with their own "It seemed more nutty to me." and "I kept thinking about deflated balloons." respectively. Also, Chris and Micah sprackenzie post-modern lit and DJ Objet and Simon 'Fo Shizzle Ma Nizzle' Kean talked sex, surrealism, elephant sex and Man Ray which, as far as I can tell, is a gay night club of some kind.
Lesley talked E. Coli-flavored smack about HTML-tainted emails and foodstuffs, while Zander had a hard time fully understanding the many levels of subtle shading applied when using sarcasm on Shunt and hence, his pea brain nearly exploded. No word yet from Zina on whether or not Zander's pea-brain and pee-volume are connected in anyway. Stay tuned.
Late in the month, Yann tried to get everyone's attention by faking his own death while, concurrently, Julie Finley returned from the dead. Christmas, Hanukah and Kwanzaa well-wishings were heaped upon the list in this most holiday-filled of months.
Duck lamented his lack of a vagina which prevents him from engaging in the meaningful lesbianism he yearns for in his heart of hearts. Just in time for Christmas, Dina and Lulu pointed out to our low flying waterfowl friend that he did in fact possess not only a vaganus but also a mangina. So Duck - looks like your Christmastime lesbian dreams may come true after all. God bless us, everyone.

And finally, the last statistical rundown of 2001:


Posts with the word 'fuck' in the subject line -57
Posts regarding novelist Chuck Palahoohoo - 25
Posts in which Jason B. complains about his birthday being forgotten - 4
Posts in which Jason B. is thoroughly dissed for being such a pussy about it - 4
Posts in which list members gave a quick rundown of what posters they have in their house as if anyone cared or asked - 8
Posts in which Phil Collins, lesbians and Recoil are mentioned in the same breath -1
Posts regarding Phil Collins in his own right - 4
Posts in which Phil Collins gains carnal knowledge of William Shatner -3
Posts containing obligatory jokes about the Welsh and their unhealthy amorous preoccupation with livestock - 3
Posts in which list members compared their personalities to works of art - 58
Recoil Content-o-meter - 43 out of 223
(Shame!)

Well, this month was quite depressing in the 'Quote of the Month' department so here instead, I present to you the first ever:


TONGUE PETALS QUOTE OF THE YEAR...


Going back through all the hundreds and hundreds of emails I've archived during the last year, I searched for a quote that I felt would capture the zeitgeist of 2001. Ladies and Gentlemen, Tongue Petals is proud to present Mr... Henry Finch's verbal addition to the 2001 TP Time Capsule:
"Life sucks. Wear a helmet."
Pardon me, for in the face of such beauty I must pause and wipe a tear from my eye. As always,
Sebastian K.
Photography - Robert Mapplethorpe