TONGUE PETALS 
February 2001
MANLY READING...
Ah, February... the tail end of winter passes us by and romance is in the air, dahlings...

While spring may be creeping ever nearer, you wouldn't know it by listening in to Shunt. Raven kicked off the month by denying, again and again, any connection whatsoever with one Ewan Rendale. The lady doth protest too much methinks... Our Ms. Raven also announced that this year's CharlieCon will be held at her place. <ravenous@priest.com> for more details.
Questions were posed regarding FoxPuppy's high concentration of Kentuckitude, up to and including how he got there, how long he has been there and why the heavens hasn't he left. Zander had a double-testosterone mocha with whipped cream and brought a wee tear to the eye of many a Shuntian male with his heartbreakingly honest yet poignant and beautiful elucidation of what so many of us need. That, of course, being the casual and non-committal sex of yesteryear.
Everybody and their momma followed Laerm's link to find out what song was number 1 on the day they were born ('Maggie May' by Rod Stewart), or what song was number 1 nine months earlier ('Venus' by Shocking Blue) to assist you with formulating the no doubt pleasant mental image of your parents getting their hump on to disco classics.
Speaking of disco classics, it seems that I have waved one too many 'Celebrate Diversity' flags in the face of our beloved Ken and angered he of the hot pants. Well Ken, I apologize... and as a token of my goodwill, how about next year you and I sing a duet at the Grammys? My vote goes to 'I Will Survive'. It's all about the sisterhood.
Francesc questioned the nationality of the list while Kristina Moodie got stirred into a froth over The Beatles dissing while in the same month inflicting Dawson's Creek upon the list. KJ pooh-poohed the list and Chris shunned the world of the woman, taking a vow of celibacy and shaving his head.
Questions were raised about the new Recoil album and possible collaborators (names thrown around: Gary Numan, Johnny Marr, Don Henley and the incredibly dead Tammy Wynette). Dr LaVey claimed to have had word from Alan himself that the new record would be punk. Obviously nobody has heard anything which seems to be Alan's m.o. regarding this type of thing... secrecy, it seems, is the key to stirring one's admirers into a froth before an LP is released.
Julz talked mad smack left and right while she and FoxPuppy entertained the list with toilet talk and pooh-pooh jokes, something at which they both excel. Duck, meanwhile, must have set some kind of record for the most on-list wishing of a Happy Birthday.
Laura.. ah....ah....ah...ah.. Ahonen continues her reign as 'Ms. Titillation' by discussing the difficulties one would find having sex in a sauna, talking about masturbation and the ease (wink, smile) in getting herself laid d-oh-double g-y style with knickers up one side and down the other. She also used some large and amorous words like 'oviduct' and pondered ways to remove oneself of pesky neighbours.
Jerry's kids the world over rejoiced with the news that Ecstasy cures Parkinson's disease. The telethon will from now on be to raise money for glowsticks, bubblegum and Vicks Inhalers.
Jason B shamed his country in front of the entire list by erroneously proclaiming, in a bit of Molson-fueled bravado, that it was his beloved Canada that was the largest country in the world. It seems that the United States' policy of ignoring the world over in favour of self-glorifying xenophobic tunnel-vision has rubbed off on our dear northern brethren. (Well northern brethren to everybody except the damn Finnish).

And now, this month's run-down:


Messages regarding early '90's hip-hop weirdness - 17
Pleas for sex with various members of the Wilder household
- 5
Proclamations of unending love for PK
- 7
My parents knocked boots to "lame song"
- 27
Messages containing discussion of Raven's current residential/relationship status
-12
Depeche Mode, 'Exciter', mp3 samples and lyrics
- 155
Bloodhound Gang/Jimmy Pop references
- 11
Messages referring to Micah's immense dong size
- 23
Messages containing Finnish
- 6
Messages dissing The Beatles
- 14
Messages quoting 'American Beauty'
- 11
Messages quoting 'Up In Smoke'
- 6


And this month, 156 of 757 messages contained at least a passing reference to Recoil. And when I say passing, boy do I mean it. Any mention of Alan's name, a collaborator or anything else was used this month to keep the ratio of Recoil content up... because it was lagging.

Quote Of The Month.

I was worried up until the very night I began writing this month's instalment of Tongue Petals that I would be forced to randomly pick some lame-o comment from the peanut gallery for lack of a better candidate, but no, I was saved. I called in prayer to J. Christian Guerrero to look into his heart of hearts and be merciful unto me.
"There is a peculiar type of passive-aggression which in Canada, helped along by the influence of a few too many Moosehead beers, has morphed into its own mystical type of kung-fu."




And J. Christian Guerrero saw that it was good, and he was pleased.
As February, the strangest little month of them all comes to a close, I leave you all with wishes of a wonderful spring.

I will survive.
Sebastian K.
Photography - Robert Mapplethorpe