TONGUE PETALS 
January 2001
2001: AN ODYSSEY OF SORTS...
Luca crawled out of bed first, crusted champagne glass in hand and kicked off the New Year with some old fashioned drunken hog mammy about REM (quite a way to ring in the New Year on a Recoil list, kiddo). The pedantic majority flexed their superior intellect by noting that: it is in fact this year that marks the beginning of the new millennium and not that waste of 365 that was the year 2000. Well I'll be damned - and to think about all the apocalyptic paranoia I experienced last year - and it wasn't even the real millennium.
The saucy Scandinavian Laura Ahonen gently (oh so gently) corrected last month's grievous error on my part regarding her lesbianic tendencies and let it be known that her sexual position, be it missionary, doggie style or (in her case) all of the above, has been known for a while. All apologies, dear Laura - all apologies.
In order to prevent it being said that she "never puts herself out for us guys", Kristina Moodie strapped on.. well.. a strap-on, not to put too fine a point on it. And speaking of strap-ons, our dear Ken once again danced a wee, fey dance through our lives, sprinkling here, there and everywhere little pink triangles of New Year's greetings.
KJ's search for employment led to an outburst of Oprah-esque proportions against none other than American daytime television behemoth and eater of hostess pies, Rosie O'Donnell. Speaking of outbursts and snack pastries, J. Christian Guerrero announced to the list his intent to pack heat. My, aren't we all just livin' la vida loca?

Anu Nousiainen just cracked me right up with the brilliant "Hyvää uutta vuotta teille kaikille!" Oh man - I think I may faint from the pure unadulterated hilarity.
Raven, Megagothzilla and stealer of trousers, welcomed yours truly into the fold with an ass-smacking, pant-tearing, crevice-filling good time. Ms. Adan and Chris offered their recipes for Long Dup Dog while PETA members of Shunt rejoiced in Taiwan's banning of 'fragrant meat'. Of course, if this Taiwanese ban is anywhere near as successful as their ban on child prostitution, then dog lovers will indeed be able to sleep better at night. Any good feelings on the part of animal lovers were crushed at month's end by Kitten Bonsai.
Revealed this month, the unfortunate situation of Curve and their current state of labellessness resulting in a state of limbonessness concerning their most recent recordings.

Lamenessness in the highest degree.
Resurrected this month, Ewan Rendale, hapless victim of drive-by fire breathing incident - skin grafts and all - to wish yours truly a good run at Tongue Petals and to offer the services of Shunt's resident drug dealer, Michael LaVey. (Note to LaVey: I'd like two of the blue ones, one red one, that little breath mint vial there and whatever is in that baggie. Your cheque is in the mail. Thanks, Sebastian.)
In more Recoil-centric news, Alan was the recipient of the Grand Prize 2000 by the Charles Cros Academy for 'Liquid' (it's about bloody time, too!). And I'm sure that one and all enjoyed Shunt's new look, courtesy of Rich Berry.

Alan also interviewed Johnny Marr for this month's Celebrity Squares and they reminisced about the 80s and that time when Morrissey and Alan got caught kissing backstage at Top of the Pops.
Old-school Recoil fans were given a treat when it was revealed that 'Hydrology (Plus 1+2)' will finally be officially released in March 2001 in the United States, where it has been impossible find outside of the dreadfully expensive import market.
Alan's wonderful but seldom heard 1994 reworking of 'I Want You Now' was brought up and Depeche Mode's failure to release it was exposed as their greatest error (cross-dressing aside of course). Shaun took it upon himself this month to deluge the list with every scrap of DM-related news he could find. The new Mode record, the songs contained on it and the talent (or lack there of) needed to produce titles was discussed to the point of near saturation. You know, I could've sworn Alan quit that band - Shaun? If we cared, we'd be on Bong...
And to add insult to injury, Simon pointed out that 'Exciter', in addition to being the name of the new Depeche Mode album, was also the name of a glorious 80s heavy metal band.

While Allison pondered the singular noun-itude of the new DM title, Raven claimed (wrongly might I add) that Limp Bizkit, the progenitors of modern day date-rape rock, sampled Alan.

EV philosophicated that maybe creativity ends at 40. This theory explains why 'Liquid' sucked so badly. Al - give it up you old bastard, your time has come and gone.

Here's this month's promised run down of posts:


1 computer virus was sent to the list.
2 abuses of the E-groups (oh, excuse me, Yahoogroups) polling system.

3 New Years resolutions.
3 messages in Finnish.
3 messages regarding various members of Shunt licking Marco.
4 pleas for sexual relations with Alan or Hep.
4 drunken wishes of a Happy New Year.
5 messages regarding Mahir, future Recoil collaborator.
83 messages regarding the new Depeche Mode album.

and a surprising:

170 out of 410 messages had at least a passing mention of Recoil.

Not bad, for a Recoil list.

I was unable to decide on a single Quote Of The Month. I tried everything at my disposal: asking friends, voodoo, divination, ouija board, fondling sheep entrails - all to no avail. I finally settled on flipping a coin which of course landed right on its edge, proving to me that Jesus wants two quotes this month and who am I to question our saviour?

The first goes to Henry Finch, who may or may not be Michael LaVey, depending on who you ask. However, be he Finch or LaVey, the following had me laughing for a full ten minutes:

"I'm so underground nobody has heard of me"


And the second goes to Yolanda Ramadamadingdong... I mean Ramirez (always a personal favourite Shuntian of mine) who broke down the post-Alan Depeche Mode equation with such simple grace that I felt it deserved to be forever recognised for its beauty and humour:
"Having to acquire a taste for new Mode is like having to acquire a taste for fat-free chocolate chip cookies after being raised on Mrs. Field's gumptious wonders - and we all know that a fat-free chocolate chip cookie has nothing over a cookie that can render a paper bag into a window pane. Of course, this comparison leaves Alan as the fat of the cookie, but I think it's more in the way of fat with a P and an H."
Have truer words ever been spoken?



Until next month, you've been tongued by Mike Daniella, I mean, Ewan Rendale, no, wait, one last try:
Sebastian K.
Photography - Robert Mapplethorpe