TONGUE PETALS 
March 2001
BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH...
March began with the earth-shaking news that Alan's new project is... another Wilder! That's correct, it's seems as though Alan and Hep have been hard at work for the last few months on a new addition to the Wilder family; Stanley Duke Wilder to be exact.
With the announcement, congratulations flowed onto the list complete with knowing nods from the peanut gallery ("Oh I knew" they whispered to each other, "Alan just made me promise not to tell anyone.") along with the obligatory jokes regarding "liquid" and Alan's "instrument" in the making of the new "project".
Keeping the jaw-dropping news coming at a clip, the 'Celebrity Squares' department of Shunt made known Alan's connections with the world of theoretical physics when this month's 'Square' was revealed to be none other than famed scientist and smartest man on the planet; Stephen Hawking. The inherent coolness of Prof. Hawking's appearance on Shunt must have been lost in the excitement following the announcement of Stanley's birth, because Micah was the only person who seemed to notice.
In one little sliver of actual Recoil-related news, it seems the instrumental version of 'Jezebel' is going to turn up in another British film, this time on a production called 'The Hole'.
In a case of mistaken identity, Miss Agent Orange was wrongly accused of being just plain Agent Orange and made fun of by Julie Finley and accosted by Dr. LaVey in one fell swoop.
This of course following last year's bloody e-battle betwixt MartinsGirlDM101@aol.com and MartinsGirlDMViolator@aol.com, and we all know how that ended, with SomebodyforDaveG@earthlink.net and IfYouWantWilder101@demon.co.uk all being dragged into the ensuing fray. Maybe we should all change our handles to DM-related things - Lord knows it clears things up.
Everyone got all hot and bothered when it was revealed that Alan would be working with Curve for the next few weeks. Ciuskino pissed in everyone's corn flakes however, by revealing that it was Alan MOULDer, not Alan WILDer, who was the Alan in question.
Disappointingly, there was no Fan Of The Month for February because no one did anything that really warranted the award, which prompted the Shunt staff to send a call out to Recoil fans to "pull your fingers out". Pull your fingers out of what? Raven?
Simon K. dissed David Cronenberg while the whole "All Your Base Are Belong To Us" thing got a thorough explanation courtesy of Pilaf. YellowOx and Steve were lucky enough to catch Soft Cell live in the UK and they taunted the list, or at least those on the list who even know who Soft Cell are, by talking about what a great show it was.
Allison, whilst commenting on the airwaves infestation of lame, angsty, whiney buttrawk noted the uncanny resemblance between the lead singer of the metal band Godsmack and the fat member of N'Sync (who, Tongue Petals has learned, is fittingly enough named Joey Fatone - get it? Fatone? Fat One? Joey the Fat One?) Speaking of buttrawk, Julie Finley admitted to seeing to not only Poison but Dokken and Loverboy, thereby negating any cool points she may attempt to gain in the future.
Speaking of past indiscretions negating any future hope of coolness, Alan's pre-DM work with The Hitmen, specifically 'Bates Motel', was brought up as was the 'Strange Hours' remix of sorts, the Napster only 'Midnight Mix'.

After months of drug-use and incarceration-induced absence, Benjamin Williams turned up alive and back in Dallas, hot on the trail of Mark Stryker to be sure!
Jason B., Allison and Micah talked hockey and Czech hockey players of years gone by. Jason B. can also rest assured that the "farce" of his factual error last month was indeed noticed by Tongue Petals. Without fail, any conversation in which Jason B. participates turns to all things Canadian and this month was no different with Shunt mulling over "Cool people who are Canadian" followed almost immediately by "Lame people who are Canadian" - present company excepted, of course.
Henry Finch and his partner in mime, Michael LaVey were at it once again this month, picking on poor Turkish Recoil fans "wanting to being in the discuss the Depeche Mode."

In other Mode-ish news, the possibility of a David Gahan solo record was illuminated by Bernard and www.side-line.com.

Software piracy was abound on the list this month as Henrik got all snooty regarding design programs while J. Christian Guerroro, Chris and Nycole salivated about this year's Coachella festival.
Ewan Rendale, former bearer of the Tongue Petals flame popped in with a query regarding the lyrical content of 'Vertigen'. "Renny, you know those little things on your shoelaces at the end that hold the lace together so you can put it through the eyelets of your shoes? Those are what 'Vertigen' is about. I asked Rosa Torras. She told me 'Vertigen' is Catalonian for 'Adidas'."

The media reported that Napster has died a sad and lonely death which is interesting seeing as how I just logged on and downloaded 'Exciter' in it's pre-release entirety. Yep, Napster is dead. Dead as a doornail.
The Scottish penchant for idiocy was brought to light and Kristina Moodie, no stranger to Scottish idiocy herself, dared one and all to imagine this summer's Depeche Mode tour audience as a crowd full of geriatrics all waving their canes and walkers in air like they just don't kay-yur. This was followed coincidentally by the announcement from Mute that this Mode tour would be sponsored by Centrum Silver and Depends.

March was so slow, and the topics so varied, that the monthly scientific breakdown will be postponed. The only conversations that lasted more than one or two posts it seemed were the birth of Stanley and pleas for sex with Laura Ahonen.
Quote Of The Month goes, without a doubt, to Stephen Hawking who confirmed for us once and for all:




"It's always been 'Yer-anus'."

Good call Hawking. Good call.
Until next month:

Someone sent us up the bomb,
Sebastian K.
Photography - Robert Mapplethorpe