TONGUE PETALS 
November 1998
CLITS, TWITS AND FINNS
As I stare blankly at my numerous notes for the month of November, bloated on turkey and ziti, I have to wonder if the Shunt masses have succumbed to 'Seasonal Affective Disorder' or if they've all lost their minds. I'm not promising a very in depth report this month sweet lascivious reader, because frankly I don't believe I can fit everything I wrote down into a column format. Maybe one day I'll publish a book called 'The November Of Our Discontent; How Julie Told Half Of Shunt To Fuck Off ', but until then, here's the poop (yes, I've been corrupted by Her Julieness):
KJ came back to Shunt involving Ginny and Jezz in a frank discussion about the merits of Prince covering 'Red River Cargo'. Hepzibah's fashion choices were also discussed and that was the end of the Recoil content for weeks.

Mayonnaise, Neubauten, Halloween, U2 and clubs were all mixed to a bloody pulp in the 'Kitchen Aide' of Shunters' minds. Depeche Mode content was limited to discussions about the tour, their appearance on Letterman, the Shunters who also appeared on Letterman, their '120 Minutes' of fame and Steve Adam's inside info. on the backing sequences. Oh yes, and a few Finns usurped the list, subjugating the Shunt troops by ramming the defence of DM up our arses. Julie rebelled and the fort came crashing down upon the language barrier like Rosie O' Donnel on a cheese cake.
Speaking of cheese, several of the female members of the list bored us all to tears with the frank discussion of their weight obsessions, work out routines and various eating disorders. Look girls, if women were meant to feel like men, God wouldn't have put your succulent teats in our infant mouths. And that's my two cents for the month.
James played the 'Crying Game' and lost, Julie and Butterstump brought Max Hardcore into our lives (thank you!) and Kristina made me smile yet again with her commentary about Alan in '101' and other more feisty observations. I will never mistakenly call a Scotswoman English again.
Somehow the mayonnaise conversation arose once more...this time Recoil relevant! Alison Moyet was discussed ad nauseum with Phil Jarvis bringing up 'Only You'. All the music buffs talked about The Orb, Nick Cave, female punk acts, Placebo lyrics and Andrew Lloyd Weber while Rich Berry suggested a Recoil Easter single.
KJ gave us another 'Alan's Piece' and Julie and Kelly Marie gave us a toilet-full of alternative endings. 'Snatch snacking' became a heated debate as the female flavour of the month was berated. Finns and Danes invaded the list like flies on shit whilst Henrik dissed PCs with Kat, Phil and Lesley retaliating.

Dusty tried to pawn his myriad CD's off on the Shunt masses while also standing up bravely, saying, "Hi, my name is Dusty, and I'm a musicholic." Lesley courageously joined him and J. Christian Guerrero offered counselling.
Vi mentioned Hep's birthday and the Shunt masses poured in tributes. Kelly Marie composed an ode to Hep, Jenna made a little web page while others made various lascivious comments. Dominic and Julz flirted a bit while Agent Orange declared a Peace Day. HAH!
WHEW! Am I done? No, of course not, fair reader. Here are the Quotes Of The Month:


"Bow before the crotch!"

- Fan of the Month Kelly Marie
, who also delighted us with the image of


"squirrels in James' arse."
Keep those imaginative vulgarisms coming, Shuntlettes. Until next month, keep your Shunts clean and try not to smell like tuna.

You've been tongued by:
Mike Daniella
Photography - Robert Mapplethorpe
tongue petals archive